


All These Things That I've Done

by firstbestdestinys



Series: Jim Kirk's Playlist [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Teen Angst, bad family relationships, teenager kirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 17:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4189377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firstbestdestinys/pseuds/firstbestdestinys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After an argument with his mother, Jim Kirk runs away from home to escape her harsh words and his harsh feelings. In an attempt to drown out his own thoughts, he blasts some music on his portable player and looks at the stars.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All These Things That I've Done

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first piece in my "Jim Kirk's Playlist" series, where I use the songs in a playlist that I made (dedicated to our favorite golden boy unsurprisingly) as inspiration. This one was inspired by the title song, "All These Things That I've Done" by the Killers.

Jim didn’t know where he was going, and at that moment he didn’t really care. All he was concerned with was getting as far away from his house as possible. Rather than pay attention to the scenery around him, he instead listened to the sound of his feet hitting the dirt and the feel of the night air against his skin. It was one of those mild Iowa nights where the air was warm and still but had lost the humidity that was so common during the day. Normally spending time outside on a night like this was just what Jim needed to calm down and ground his thoughts. But no matter how hard he tried, nothing would stop the words that had brought him away from home from rattling endlessly in his head.

_“What do you mean you’re not doing anything?” Winona said to him, blocking the door to his room. Jim had already tried to avoid the conversation by retreating into his room, but, as always, his mother was a step ahead of him. He had known that nothing good could come from this conversation, yet apparently she wanted to have it anyway._

_“Exactly what I said,” he replied back to her, crossing his arms. “I’m not planning on going anywhere after high school.”_

While the words seemed relatively non-combative to him, that was all it took for his mother to start one of her worst rampages to date. He couldn’t even remember half of what was said by either of them during the argument. Insults were thrown, retorts were made, and their voices escalated far above what was necessary. His heart was still beating fast at the confrontation even though by this time at least 20 minutes had passed since he left. Even after that much time had passed, there was still one thing that Winona had said that he couldn’t stop thinking about.

_“I can’t believe how much of a failure you are.” She spat at him, in his face so he wouldn’t be able to avoid eye contact with her. “I thought that after Sam had left there was no way that you could screw up more than he did. I guess I was wrong.”_

_Jim’s stomach dropped at the mention of his brother’s name, and his face quickly turned red at the insult. It was mostly Frank that had used his brother as ammo against him, so he had gotten used to that for of injury. But his mother never talked about him, ever, and to make that comparison now was almost more than Jim could take._

_As if seeing the hurt on her son’s face, Winona moved away from Kirk and started walking away, ready to leave the conversation be for the rest of the night. But right before she reached the end of the hallway she turned back around and looked him right in the eye. “Your father would be ashamed of you.”_

“Like hell he would,” Jim said aloud, breaking himself out of his recollections. His eyes stung with fresh tears that he hastened to wipe away. In an effort to pull himself away from his dangerous thoughts, he pulled out and old looking piece of junk with headphones attached. It was something that he had stolen from Frank a long time ago. He never knew what it was really meant for, but he within a few weeks he had successfully converted it to a portable music playing device. The quality wasn’t awfully good, but Jim was proud of it nevertheless. It was especially useful in times like these when he just needed to distract himself from his own thoughts.

He put the headphones over his ears and pressed play, letting whatever song that was up play, eager to listen to something else than his own demons. The song opened up with a few piano notes and soft vocals.

_When there's nowhere else to run  
Is there room for one more son…_

He smiled, remembering when he picked out this song. Most of the songs that he put on there were fast paced, angry songs that he would get into fights with. But there was something about the calm beat of this song that spoke to him on a deeper level. On a night like this, he didn’t need to be worked up any more than he was, so this song would be perfect. He fiddled with the display of his device until he managed to configure it so that it would play this same song over and over again until Kirk felt as numb as he wanted to be. That was the plan, anyway.

Satisfied with his music choice, Kirk started walking again, glad that the voices in his head were finally drowned out.

_Help me out  
Yeah, you know you got to help me out  
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner  
You know you got to help me out_

The next thing that he knew, found himself standing in the middle of a familiar rock formation. There was a ring of large rocks around him, whether put there by someone or just naturally occurring, Jim never knew. He remembered one time when he first got a motorbike he had brought it out here and drove it around in never-ending circles, yelping in exhilaration.

The area looked much different now. The light of the moon reflected on the rocks in an almost eerie way, mystical in a way. Before he could think too much about it he decided to lay down in the middle of the formation, ignoring the pain of pebbles at they dug into his arms. He stretched out and looked up at the night sky. He couldn’t remember the last time that he had seen so many stars. Even though Riverside wasn’t exactly a metropolis, there was still enough light pollution that made it hard to see all but the brightest of stars. Out here, however, he was far enough away from the harsh lights to be able to see hundreds upon hundreds of tiny little lights shining back at him.

_These changes ain't changing me  
The cold-hearted boy I used to be_

Yet looking up at the stars, Jim couldn’t help but wonder if change wouldn’t be such a bad thing. It wasn’t like there was much of anything good in his life anyway. Even though he had graduated early from high school, he still felt this void in him, like there was something more that he should be accomplishing. That was something his mother was right about--he wasn’t meant to be a deadbeat like everyone thought of him. But there was this coldness in his heart that he couldn’t get rid of, this anger at the world that was so much easier to feel than disappointment.

He pushed those thoughts away and shifted his focus back on the sky, losing himself its beauty. It certainly was breathtaking, with thousands of gentle lights blinking solemnly in their places. He bet that the stars enough exactly what they were doing. They must not have any of this crippling self-doubt and anger at something that he didn’t fully understand. He suddenly found himself wishing that he could go up there one day and be one of them.

Suddenly the music in his ear changed from the regular beat of the song to sharp guitar chords, signaling a change in the music. Recognizing it as one of his favorite parts, he turned up the sound of the device and closed his eyes.

_I got soul, but I’m not a soldier  
I got soul, but I’m not a soldier_

Images of his father came to him unbidden at the sound of the powerful lyrics. A starship screaming and burning, and his father at the helm trying to keep it safe. Everyone know that there was no way that he could win. But he had to try, not for himself but for his son being born on the shuttle.

_I got soul, but I’m not a soldier  
I got soul, but I’m not a soldier_

Next came the memories of the last fight that Jim had been in. It was some bar on the outside of town, he couldn’t even remember the name now. He was definitely underage but was so convincing that no one questioned as he came in and started downing drinks like no one’s business. People asked even less questions once he shouting insults and swinging fists, desperate for even a little bit of adrenalin to dull the pain.

_I got soul, but I’m not a solider  
I got soul, but I’m not a solider_

Maybe his father and him were cut from the same cloth. After all, his father was in Starfleet, where many go looking for thrills and adventure. And while Starfleet wasn’t a military operation, Kirk had a feeling that his father wasn’t exactly against using force when necessary. On the other hand, while thinking about the various fights that he’s been over the years, maybe not every part of him was a fighter. Maybe, deep down, there was a piece of a golden soul still left in him.

_I got soul, but I’m not a solider  
I got soul, but I’m not a solider_

He knew that his father would have wanted him to keep looking for that soul inside him still.

Suddenly inspired to take action with his life, Jim untangled himself from his headphones and sat up. The stars, which had seemed so dim before, were suddenly exploded with vivid light. Hope filled his limbs and he smiled a true, genuine smile. Maybe he could do it after all.

However, as soon as the thought had entered his mind, more came to replace it. He started to think about how he was going to make himself into something extraordinary. Not like Frank would let him do anything that was better than what Frank believed he deserved--no one was as good as putting Jim down as Frank was. Besides, even though he had graduated high school early, his track record wasn’t something that most places would ignore. And even after all of that he managed to get hired, or get into another school, or finally get out of the hell hole that he was living in now, he just knew that no matter where he went or what he did, someone would always be comparing him to his father. Even if that someone was himself.

The hope that had filled him suddenly gave way to despair and anger. It wasn’t fair that he wouldn’t be able to do the things that he wanted. Stupid things always seemed to get in the way of his dreams, even things that were in his own stupid head. Maybe his mother was right. Maybe he was no better than Sam.

_Over and again, last call for sin_  
While everyone's lost, the battle is won  
With all these things that I've done

Angry and hurt and frustrated, Jim shut off the music more forcibly than he had intended. Kicking pebbles with his feet, he started to make his way back to the house.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're interested you can see the full tracklist here: http://firstbestdestinys.tumblr.com/post/122209491652/for-a-kid-looking-up-at-the-stars-at-night
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it and please let me know what you thought!


End file.
